ARTICLE- "Why Is My Spouse So Unreasonable?" Take this simple test... DR. RICHARD AND RITA TATE WELCOME YOU TO THE FAMILY SOLUTIONS WEB SITE AND HOME OF THEIR NATIONALLY KNOWN FAMILY ENRICHMENT SEMINAR, "Eleven Reasons Families Succeed." email: richardandrita@tatesfamilysolutions.com website:  www.familysolutions.info. "WHY IS MY SPOUSE SO UNREASONABLE?"...Take this simple test By Richard and Rita Tate Most of us have experienced some confusion and despair dealing with a spouse, other family member or close acquaintance. The behavior we want to discuss with you today is so frustrating because we do not know how to handle it and we cannot see the reason the person behaves so unreasonably. They become angry with us about things over which we have no control. We cannot seem to understand why they blame and punish us for things that happen to them that were not our responsibility. They seem helpless and bitterly angry at the same time. Their caustic remarks are excused as "teasing," or "I was only kidding with you," but they are designed to be derogatory and hateful. Psychologists have labeled what you are seeing in this person as PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE behavior. You can learn to deal confidently (and helpfully) with this kind of person if you understand a few basic elements of the personality type and take to heart some of the solutions and suggestions we would like to make. Our desire is that your marriage be strengthened but remember one important fact. You are not a psychiatrist and neither are Richard or Rita Tate. Prayer is the most important tool we have to the "pulling down of the strongholds" that the enemy wants to build. Pulling down these strongholds will take prayer and a miraculous work of the Holy Spirit. Some people do not want to be helped but that does not mean you should not try. A typical passive-aggressive person exhibits at least four of the following characteristics. 1-They passively resist fulfilling routine obligations and have become quite skilled at procrastination and the accompanying excuses. Procrastinators are self-defeating and are convinced that whatever they do will not succeed. They are constantly keeping records and making lists but never really get anything done. They plan but have great trouble following through with decisions. Big plans but not much action seem to be their "modus-operandi." 2-They continually complain that they are misunderstood and not appreciated by others. They remind you over and over again of all the things they have to do with no help from you or anyone else. They continually express anger that "no one seems to appreciate all that I do for them." 3-They are often sullen, argumentative and melancholy about insignificant details and will let "bigger issues" go unresolved. They blow up at you over some small detail but do something more severe themselves and expect you to overlook their behavior and accept it as quite normal and understandable. 4-They unreasonably criticize and scorn authority and regularly interpret events around them as others "trying to get them." They fantasize that people in authority are jealous of them and rationalize that why they (the authority figures) are trying to "cut-their-legs-out-from-under-them-is-because-they-know-they-are-bet ter-than-them-anyway." 5-They express resentment toward others that THEY believe are more fortunate who do not seem to have to put up with the difficulties they think they have to endure. They resent how "lucky" they are and believe that life has been unfairly kind to them. The passive-aggressive, however, will do little to try to change their behavior or circumstances for the better. 6-They voice exaggerated and unsubstantiated complaints about their misfortune in life and are often found not to tell the truth. They are convinced they are NEVER to blame for any misfortune that has happened to them. They really do believe what they are saying is the truth and will deny any evidence you show otherwise as "lies and fabrications." 7-They alternate between being hostile and defiant and then in the next moment will surprise you by being contrite and accommodating if challenged. THE TEST: Does the person you are dealing with have at least FOUR of the above qualities? If they do then you are probably dealing with a passive-aggressive person who is carrying a great deal of unresolved personal pain. So, what can you do? Let's talk a little more about what makes a passive-aggressive tick and consider some suggestions and potential solutions. Again, let us repeat our word of caution. Don't see this information as a license to practice psychiatry. This article is meant to create understanding and will not be a "magic bullet" that will make the problem go away. But, we believe it may help you understand what is happening. Coupled with your personal application of the scriptures and your overall understanding of the person (salted with your genuine concern), you will be better equipped to fight this battle for the sake of your marriage and family. Here are some "tips" for dealing effectively with passive-aggressive behavior. 1-CLARIFY YOUR EXPECTATIONS You want all conversations and agreements to be as concrete as possible. Keep notes, memos, call records. Passive-aggressives LOVE to say, "No you didn't," and "I never said that!" 2-EXPECT RESULTS Don't accept, excuse, or reward poor performance. Expect more than an apology for a mistake. Remember, the passive-aggressive is so full of self-pity that they think they should be able to commit any crime against you and you should forgive them just because they are more deserving of sympathy than others. 3-BE OPEN MINDED AND AVOID DEFENSIVENESS If some of their complaints have merit, then acknowledge that fact. 4-BE FAIR Remember the Word says that "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Take a look in the mirror at yourself. Sometimes we focus so much on the problems of others that we fail to see our own shortcomings. Be fair. 5-GRACIOUSLY CHALLENGE DISTORTIONS AND UNTRUTHS Note discrepancies between what the person has said and documented facts. You will never help them by "kicking-them-in-the-teeth" with an "I told you so!" In our observations over the years, passive-aggressives are ruled by four characteristics. FIRST, THEY ARE RULED BY ANGER Unresolved anger is why they are powder kegs and can go off with no notice like a time-bomb. They can smell fear and see it in your eyes and it makes them attack even more. DEAL WITH THIS PERSON THROUGH SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-CONTROL "Render not railing for railing," admonishes the scripture. Look their anger in the eye and remain calm and poised. Don't let them get the best of you. They begin to win when the shouting starts and you become defensive and angry at their inconsiderate behavior. SECOND, THEY ARE RULED BY INSECURITY This is why they will backstab and lie and say one thing to you and something else to another. They are attempting to manipulate the circumstance to their benefit. They feel out of control and this is one way they feel they can regain control that they have lost. Remember, they feel they are victims and that you and everyone else around them is to blame. DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH GENTLE CONFRONTATION Remember what the Word says. "A soft answer turneth away wrath," and "A man who is without self-control is like a city that is broken down and without walls." Gently tell them, but TELL THEM! THIRD, THEY ARE RULED BY COMPLACENCY This is why they thrive on feeling bad. They feel necessary when they are living on the "edge of chaos and disaster." They used to have a fire in their heart for life but circumstances and personal experiences that were left unresolved have destroyed their belief that things will work out for them. They have decided that because they believe they were treated so badly by a spouse, boss, parent, co-worker, or life in general that they might as well give up. They want you to give up as well and join in the bickering. It is for this reason that they love to be around complainers and whiners and unstable people. Misery really DOES love company. They feel better about themselves in the comparison. They are "the living dead" and want you to believe their misery is not their fault. If they are in their current situation, you should be as well. They are convinced that if others would listen to them and perform more effectively around them that they would be more successful. DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH PERSONAL ENTHUSIASM Stay focused on the things that matter to you the most. Do not miss your quiet time with God each day. It will center your spirit and give you a clear mind. Be a source of joy to all around you. Do not let this dysfunctional person steal your joy and make you believe you are not a good person because they are miserable. You cannot solve all of their problems. FINALLY, THEY ARE RULED BY FEAR They have become so fearful that they cannot make decisions and do not trust anyone. They still think the opinions of little-known acquaintances carry more weight and can be trusted more than yours. They are terrified of what others think of them but take out their frustrations on those that are closest to them as a means of displacing their personal anxiety. They constantly say, "If I could just find one person in my life that I could trust, things would be better for me." They have the philosophy, "If you want to get something done, you have to do it yourself." They believe they are constantly dealing with stupid people who don't understand as much as they understand. They live in fear which is manifest by a total lack of trust of those that are closest to them. DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH PERSISTENCE You must not give up on what you believe is right. If you cannot change the situation then change the way you handle yourself IN the situation. FINALLY It is our strong suggestion that you ask your spouse to go with you to a professional "listener." It might be a counselor with your insurance program or your pastor. Go to someone. Things do not have a way of improving by themselves. The passive-aggressive person will not take the lead because they think YOU NEED HELP and they don't. You must take the first step. Remember, this person has become who they are through a series of personal experiences of pain and grief. God is in the business of healing these hurts but you have to start somewhere. You may be the catalyst of prayer and godliness in this persons life. We are praying for your success. Richard and Rita FAMILY SOLUTIONS, INC. HOME PAGE  |  AN OVERVIEW OF AN "Eleven Reasons Families Succeed" SEMINAR  |  SPEAKING SCHEDULE  |  FAMILY SOLUTIONS CARNIVAL CRUISE!!  |  RICHARD AND RITA TATE BIOGRAPHICAL INFORMATION  |  PRESS PHOTOS  |  TYPES OF EVENTS AVAILABLE AND HOW TO CONTACT THE TATES  |  COMPLETE INFORMATION ABOUT FAMILY SOLUTIONS POLICIES  |  ARTICLE- "Why Is My Spouse So Unreasonable?" Take this simple test...  |  Online Store