Almost from the beginning I knew something wasn't right. When I say beginning, I mean the beginning of the end. There was so much about his behavior that baffled me. There was so much about MY behavior that baffled me. Finally, someone gave this behavior a name: Passive-Aggressive. I read everything on it that I could find, and searched the search engines looking for clues, looking for answers. Eventually, this site was started. One day I realized that I knew everything I needed to know about the behavior, yet I was still obsessed. I thought the key was to find out about this covert behavior then I could understand my OWN reactions to it and thus, begin to heal. Something was still missing. I realized that the missing key was within me... somewhere. This behavior had literally reduced me to someone void of self-esteem, someone afraid of life, someone that could feel no joy because the pain was too intense. This was NOT me. This was very much out of character for me. I once was a very jubilant person, full of life, not afraid of risks, someone excited about living and the future. I had once been a very resilient person. Not so, not this time. Somehow I had allowed my spirit to be broken.... I examined my part, his part, the past, everything that I could, yet always feeling their was one part still missing. I did realize that there was no way this could be all about him, him as a person, it had to be more. The group had on many occasions discussed the hows and whys of it all. How did we get involved, stay involved? For some of us, answers could be found in our family or origin. I continued to feel as if I were dancing all around the key element, as if I had all of the puzzle pieces except the middle one. Or, maybe I just needed to rearrange the pieces. When the time is right and you are strong enough, answers are revealed to you. I came from an alcoholic home. I knew that part of what I was doing was trying to fix my past. I had read that we choose people who will most likely help us acheive that. We will choose a person that reminds us most of the person we need to do the healing with. He reminded me a lot of my alcoholic father - I was always aware of this. We also know that the p.a. will jab at your weak spots. Sometimes all it takes is merely the right word to complete the puzzle. I had my answer. When I became pregnant with my child, innately I knew that giving to this child what I did not have growing up would heal me, my childhood and stop a cycle of dysfunction, hopefully for generations to come. This child would have a stable environment filled with love and harmony. It finally dawned on me that it is not that the p.a. jabs at your weak spots, they don't stop until they find the BIG one. They will keep probing until they hit on the one thing that you feel you need most from them, from life, from the universe.-- the thing you need to heal and become whole. They find it and ultimately control you with it, dangling it over your head...until you feel totally worthless. In my case, it was the relationship itself. This was done on a day-to-day basis by ignoring me, not wanting to do anything with me (but would do the same thing with others), by acting like I was bothering him, and in many other subtle ways.. This lead to an overall feeling that he was going to walk away from the relationship at any moment (especially, if everything wasn't going his way). Luckily for me, after a lot of introspective work, and this group, I realized that it was within myself to achieve this goal of healing - without him. My child and I now live in a very stable, loving environment. I have healed my past, regained my self-worth. However, I am not the person I use to be. I am the new improved version! "That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." There is definitely a blessing here. I see things much differently, I feel at a much deeper level now. I think when you rise up from the lowest point in your life, when you come back from such a deep place of despair it is much like returning from the dead and you appreciate everything more. I feel such joy in simple things now. Seeing the soft afternoon autumn sun falling on the golden leaves of a tree will bring tears to my eyes. No, I am not the same person I once was, and I thank God everyday for that, and I thank him everyday for giving me the opportunity to heal. I share this with you simply to say that no matter how bad it is, you CAN overcome it. |
Cause & Effect:. When dealing with a p.a. "cause" is very difficult to see (their covert behavior) but what is obvious is "effect" (your anger) which is why all of the focus and blame is on the non-p.a., thus, both individuals buying into the p.a.'s perception of the non p.a. being solely at fault....... Another way in which "cause & effect" are not evident and consequently makes you feel wrong and crazy is: when somebody very covertly does something hurtful to you out of the blue (it may be a payback for something you did or said months ago) you don't understand why (logic) so again you buy into their perception that you are sensitive, wrong, crazy.. krn |
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE HELPING HAND |
contributed 10/00: krn |
THE KEYS |
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© Copyright 2003 Kim Neske |
