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Passive-Aggressive Helping Hand |
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The following is an excerpt from: BACKSTABBERS ARE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE FOLKS WHO HATE CONFRONTATION by Tiffini Theisen. The Orlando Sentinel There are lots of terms for backstabbers.. In the popular "Bridget Jones' Diary," author Helen Fielding calls them "jellyfish" because you can't see their stings coming. Another writer calls them "sniping sneaks." A psychologist who studies the workplace even goes so far as to call them "psychopaths." Whatever the name, most of us have inadvertently backed up into the backstabber's knife. To deal with backstabbers, first you must understand a little of the psychology behind their actions. Backstabbers are passive-aggressive. Confrontation to a backstabber is like sunlight to a vampire. So when thy're threatened, they lash out sneakily. Here's a possible scenario: As John cheerfully accepts the 547th lame assignment of the week, resentment churns inside him. But he would rather staple his fingers together than stand up for himself. Feeling powerless and put-upon, he starts sniping about Bob's two-hour lunches to anyone who will listen. Here's another: Cindy is over-the-top friendly. She's always schmoozing, asking you about your kids, commiserating over your marital woes. The next thing you know, your boss is giving Cindy all the plum projects and sighing deeply when you walk into the room. Be wary: Anything you say can and will be used against you in a closed-door meeting. "Sometimes it's hard to know until you've been stung, because they really can be very charming. When they want something, they can be your best friend," said Sigrid Gustafson, a scientist at the American Institutes for Research in Washington, who calls workplace backstabbers "aberrant self promoters." Now, don't go thinking every charming, pleasant person you work with is secretly a backstabber. Gustafson estimates they make up about 5 percent of the workforce. But realize that backstabbers ingratiate themselves successfully. HOW TO DO BATTLE WITH BACKSTABBERS ON THE JOB: **Leave a paper trail. Send your supervisor weekly memos updating him or her on your projects and success. It's probably not a bad idea to do this anyway, but if you think a rival is denigrating you, it's a vital antidote.. **Become mysterious. Be friendly and sociable, but zip your lips when it comes to details of your personal life. Furthermore, don't blab to everyone if you're dissatisfied at work or thinking about leaving. It can be used against you. **Don't take the bait. There's a fine line between fun gossip and malicious sniping. Recognize it. If you work with a member of the Complaint of the Hour Club, a red flag should go up. Distance yourself from this person. You're probably gossiped about as soon as you leave the room. **Confront calmly. The key word is "calmly." For instance, if the backstabber claims credit for one of your ideas, say, "You must have forgotten that I raised this idea sever weeks ago." Persistently defend yourself - lightly and even humorously, not angrily. Your foe will eventually see you're no doormat and will pick another target. **Kill them with kindness. If you're having a severe or continuing problem, take the backstabber to lunch and say, "I fear I have upset you in some way. Is there anything I can do to improve our working relationship?" "It might not work, especially if the backstabber is an entrenched passive-aggressive. But it will at least put the backstabber on notice that his or her actions are not going unnoticed. That, in itself, is often enough to stop the backstabbing. "They tend to tuck their tail between their legs and run in the opposite direction," says Glenn Shepard, aurthor of "Supervising People and Leading a team." |
Aug. 1, 2000 -- Many couples have faced the agonizing decision of whether to stay in an unhappy marriage or risk hurting their children by divorcing. Here's some information that might make the choice a tiny bit easier: Research shows that, in the long run, divorce may be better for children than growing up in a family in which there is chronic discord.
The results of studies done over the past decade support the idea that most children of divorce do not become dysfunctional, Joan B. Kelly, PhD, writes in her review article, published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Kelly is former director of the Northern California Mediation Center.
"If parents in high-conflict marriages can divorce and walk away from that conflict, or find a forum in which to have their arguments, such as mediation or the courts, then the kids probably will end up with a significantly improved home environment," Kelly tells WebMD.
But in families where there has been little obvious conflict between the parents, divorce may hit the kids much harder, she says.
"It is easy to explain divorce to children who have seen their parents fighting constantly, but when kids come from low-conflict homes they often don't have a clue what is wrong," she says. Kelly says this can create all kinds of anxiety in children: They don't escape from conflict, because they weren't aware of any within the family, but they lose the daily attention of both parents and usually lose economic resources as well.
Several studies published during the 1990s found that marital conflict was a more important factor in child development than divorce, Kelly writes. The intensity and frequency of the conflict between the parents, the way they handle the conflict, how it is resolved, and whether there were buffers to offset it all affected how well adjusted the children turned out to be.
Such buffers can include a good relationship with at least one of the parents and, perhaps most important, support from brothers and sisters. A 1992 study found that children growing up in high-conflict homes who had close relationships to their siblings were as well adjusted as children in low-conflict homes. A later study found that the value of a close relationship with brothers or sisters lasted throughout the teen years, with those who reported such relationships having higher self-esteem and better social relationships.
The studies also found that marital conflict hurts the quality of parenting. Mothers in high-conflict marriages may be less caring toward their children, more unpredictable and harsh in administering discipline, and may use more guilt- and anxiety-inducing techniques than mothers in low-conflict marriages. And fathers in combative marriages are more likely to withdraw from their parenting role.
In fact, the studies suggest that the most important thing divorcing parents can do is to avoid putting the children in the middle of their battles.
Social worker Hanna McDonough agrees, but says parents don't find that easy to do. McDonough, author of Putting Children First: A Guide for Parents Breaking Up, tells WebMD that approximately one in four breakups are high-conflict.
"The tendency in these high-conflict homes is to use the children as pawns or mediators, and that does enormous damage," McDonough says. "It's not that the parents are terrible people. ... A lot of times parents are so hurt that they aren't aware they are hurting their children."
"Divorcing parents have to give up the fight and stay focused on the kids, but that doesn't often happen in these high-conflict situations," McDonough tells WebMD. "Kids have a biological right to good connections with both parents, and a parent doesn't have a right to interrupt that because of problems with a spouse. If this happens, the child suffers, and, ultimately, their relationship with that child suffers as well."
So how can parents learn to contain their anger at their partner and act in their children's best interest? The research findings suggest that interventions like divorce counseling or mediation work well to reduce family conflict during the breakup of a marriage.
The number of court-connected divorce education programs in the United States tripled from 1994 to 1998, and in many areas of the country custody mediation is now commonly used as a first step in resolving conflict. Kelly reports that mediation works in 50% to 85% of cases -- a remarkable figure, she says, considering that the courts send many couples to mediation against their will.
"We have had mandatory custody mediation in California since 1981, but the couples only have to try mediation; it doesn't have to work," she says. "Still, it has proven to be very successful. And with divorce counseling, we have found that people go in very low numbers when it's voluntary, but when it is mandated by the courts, they go. Most say [in the beginning] that they don't like being forced to come, but by the time it is over, something like 88% call it a positive experience."
But McDonough says forcing people into counseling or mediation doesn't work because these methods only help people who want to resolve their problems.
"Mediation is for people who have stopped blaming each other and are looking toward the future," she says. "High-conflict couples don't want to mediate. They want to fight. You have to be very mature to manage a good divorce, and these couples are not."
© 2000 Healtheon/WebMD. All rights reserved
The following was copied & pasted from MSN...WHEN DIVORCE IS BEST FOR CHILDREN: constant conflict can hurt kids more, studies find... by Salynn Boyles, Web MD, medical news...Reviewed by Dr. Tonja Wynn Hampton |
Unhappy Marriages May Harm Women's Hearts
By Amy Norton
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - An unhappy marriage
can break a woman's heart, figuratively and literally.
New research suggests that married women who are
dissatisfied with their relationships face a higher
risk for heart disease.
In a study of nearly 500 middle-aged women,
researchers at the University of Pittsburgh in
Pennsylvania found that marital ''distress'' was
linked to a higher risk for heart problems,
independent of other threats to heart health such as
smoking, high cholesterol and high blood pressure.
Moreover, women's marital woes appeared to be unique
from overall stress, depression and other
psychological factors in their effects on the heart.
Lead researcher Wendy Troxel presented the
findings last week in Monterey, California, at the
annual meeting of the American Psychosomatic Society.
Previous research has suggested that for men,
marriage generally confers heart benefits. The health
effects of marriage on women has been less clear,
according to co-author Dr. Linda Gallo, who is now at
Kent State University in Ohio.
This study, which followed the women over about 11
years, was an attempt to gauge how marital
satisfaction affects heart health as women go through
menopause, Gallo explained in an interview.
She and her colleagues found that women who
reported marital dissatisfaction were more likely than
satisfied women to have significant plaque build-up in
the main artery of the heart. They were also more
likely to have blockages in the carotid arteries in
the neck, a known risk factor for stroke.
Of course, all marriages have their ups and downs,
and this study did not look at the normal stresses
that come up from time to time, according to Gallo.
Instead, she said, it looked at women's overall
happiness with their husbands--their communication,
amount of time spent together, sex lives and a range
of factors.
Unhappiness in a marriage may harm the heart by
inflicting ''wear and tear'' on the body, according to
Gallo. Like stress in general, marital dissatisfaction
may lead to habitual elevations in heart rate, blood
pressure and stress hormones.
But, she noted, marital problems are likely one
part the equation--triggering behaviors that take a
toll on health, including sleeplessness and changes in
eating and exercise.
``It's my guess that marital dissatisfaction might
put women on a trajectory to poorer health,'' she
said.
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1. Backstabbers 2. When Divorce is Best for the Children 3. Unhappy Marragies May Harm Women's Hearts |
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