Success

Being married to a passive-aggressive man has been the most challenging thing I have ever faced. My father was an alcoholic, my mother has been married 5 times and divorced 4, I have 6 brothers and sisters, and we were raised in poverty. I have a child and therefore I am a mother, which is considered to be one of the most difficult tasks a woman will ever be challenged with, but nothing has taken such energy and determination as living with my passive-aggressive husband. Nothing has EVER taken a toll on me like living with my passive-aggressive husband.

First, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am considered to be intelligent (based upon society's standards); I am college educated, extremely independent, very much an extrovert whose life is filled with many close friendships. I have one daughter who is 22 years old and the pride and joy of my life. We are extremely close and the raising of my daughter is the one thing that I am most proud of. She has a life of her own now, and we are great friends. We respect each other's views and privacy and have what we consider to be an authentic relationship. It is wonderful.

I have been married two times. I was 21 when I married my first husband (who is also passive-aggressive, although I didn't know what that meant at the time). We were "married" for 13 years. I say "married" because we basically lived two separate lives. I worked days, he worked nights and weekends, and we saw each other about one evening every two weeks. For many years, I liked it that way. I married young and wasn't really looking for a close relationship. Once I matured, I wanted more out of a marriage. He liked things just the way they were, and I chose to change the rules. We rarely argued. We rarely kissed. We rarely did much of anything together. To make a 13-year story short, when I asked for a divorce, he was shocked, he told me he wouldn't "allow" me one, I divorced him, he resented me and tried his best to hurt me through our daughter. I bit my tongue on many occasions and allowed my daughter to see things for what they were. If I had it to do over again, I would have spent more time discussing reality with her and not protecting her from his passive-aggressive tactics, but I was a martyr at the time.

I have been married the second time for 7 years, but together for several more. My current husband is 11 years older than me and we worked for the same company at one time. In the workplace, I saw him as the most secure, stable, level-headed, strong, honest and dependable person. He had been married before also, for 22 years. He has two daughters from his previous marriage, whom I love very much. We have no children together.

My current husband is what people on the outside looking in would consider the "perfect man". He is extremely laid back, very mannerly, opens car doors for women, helps out strangers, very dependable, reliable and easy-going. Friends rarely have to ask him for something they need. His is very in tune to their needs and is usually the first one there offering his assistance. I would definitely consider him more on the "passive" side of passive-aggressive. But, he is extremely passive-aggressive.

I can't remember when I realized that something wasn't quite right. Probably from the very beginning. We had struggles with his family (who I consider all but 1 to be passive-aggressive, although I don't think they've ever been diagnosed with it). They were very disrespectful to him and in the beginning, I would try to "build him up" to them. He would defend their hurts and I felt like it must just be in my head. They would disrespect us as a family, but in a passive-aggressive way. (You know, invite us to something but then act put upon that we came, withhold information and say they told us something when they hadn't, make decisions for our family holidays without our input and then tell us we were overreacting when we were upset, etc). After years of this, with my husband acting like one person in front of them, and another in front of me, I slowly started bowing out of family functions. It wasn't just his family though, there were many other occurrences that told me to "protect myself". Then, the passive-aggressive behavior really began.

I could write a book on the number of times I have been "zingered" by the behavior. Some of those zingers were so bad that I cannot now believe that I lived through them. No, it wasn't physical abuse. I think that if it would have been, I would have been gone in a heartbeat. No, there was slow, calculated, manipulating mental torture followed by bits of love, tenderness and hope, only to once again be followed by disappointments and heartaches, followed by promises and apologies, followed by omissions and lies, followed by gifts, followed by self-pity and silence, and on and on and on and on and on

It was the biggest roller coaster ride of my life. There were so many highs and lows, and eventually less highs and more lows. Less respect and more empty apologies. At first, I thought it must be me. Was I not good enough? Was I not showing him enough love? Maybe if I did this, or didn't do that, this behavior would stop. I had at the time never even heard the words passive and aggressive used together. I was so passionate about life and he was too from time to time. What was going on here? We went to counselor after counselor, with him making many promises in counseling, only to walk out of there and not do what he had said he would do. Of course, I ALWAYS did what I told the counselor I would do, I was the martyr. I even thought that if I showed him over and over again that my word was my word, maybe he would start trusting me and would do the same.

Very slowly, I began to lose myself, as I call it, but at the time, it was happening so slowly that I didn't recognize it. The passion that I had for life started to fade. Even when I was doing something that I loved, I felt empty inside. I began distancing myself from family and friends, even to the point of dreading making a phone call to one of them. I felt trapped. I felt scared to death (which is NOT my nature). I thought at one time that he was psychotic, but I also felt I was becoming paranoid. My reality had been ripped out from under my feet so many times that I didn't know WHAT was real. I began to second-guess myself on even the simplest things. I found myself being very afraid of him. Not of physical abuse, but I had been hurt so many times by him by using our children, his family, friends, by distorting reality, etc. Our relationship had no stability or security or reality. One day would be good (maybe even one week), only to be sabotaged in some way shape or form. I found that the more I asked him for what I needed from him (honesty, communication, stability), the more he would find a way not to give it to me. He would leave it dangling and hovering over me, but would never quite let me grab a hold of it. It is a mental torture of the worst kind. It's like kicking a puppy when their down. Then, crouching down and gently holding them and comforting them, only to kick them again. Then, when the puppy runs and hides or finds another means of feeling safe and secure, there the pa is again, to build that trust back up. And, the cycle continues. I would become almost hysterical with him. I would cry, yell, belittle, beg, ignore, baby, apologize, sleep in another bedroom, analyze, read, threaten, ANYTHING that I thought might make him "see".

Many years into the relationship, I began to take a different turn with myself. I no longer knew how I felt about most anything. I no longer knew what I needed or wanted from him or anyone else. I no longer trusted my perceptions or judgment. I was afraid to drive. I thought I might space out and hit something or someone. I felt extremely ugly. I started drinking wine at night so I could sleep. I dreaded each morning, having to get up and face another day. The only thing I felt for sure was that I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I sometimes fantasized that he WOULD hit me so at least I would know why I was feeling so much pain. I had dreams of him dying so the hurt would stop. But, I still loved him. That confused me more than anything else. How could I love someone and care so much for someone that created confusion, hurt, and distance? How could I love someone that repeatedly withheld the most important things to me, saying that he would give it to me, but choosing not to give it to me, knowing how much it was ripping my heart out? I used to be an extremely independent, happy, secure, full of life, go with the flow kind of girl. Where'd she go? What was love, anyway? Who really was the screwed up one?

I went for my annual female exam and BEGGED my doctor for an anti-depressant. She asked me some questions and I answered them, but vaguely. I was always so afraid to let anyone know what was really going on in my life. I was so ashamed. So very ashamed. My doctor would not give me anti-depressants that day. She asked me to do some soul-searching in reference to my life (in a very nice way) and asked me to come back in 2 months, if I still felt the same. That was the best $50.00 I ever spent on a doctor's visit. It was the start of me getting my life back.

It takes two people to play the passive-aggressive game, so if you bow out, they either have to find someone else to participate, or it's over. In my case, one of the reasons that the roller coaster ride went on for so many years, was that I was a willing participant (without realizing it). Only (and if you don't listen to anything else I have written, PLEASE listen to this) ONLY until I started focusing on myself, and not on him or his pa ways, did things really take a turn for the better with my life. I do believe that passive-aggressive people find mates that are independent but are also very caring, giving, rescuing, outspoken, secure with ourselves, etc. We generally have very big hearts, and the pa person zooms in on that right away. In my case, my pah knew exactly what buttons to push to get me to play the passive-aggressive game. If I didn't play the game, then I felt like I was showing him that I didn't care about him or us, and I loved him and wanted my marriage to work. And, it's not that I did NOT want to be the "bad guy", but I DID want to be the "good guy", because that's what I had been taught as a little girl. I was taught to take care of everyone else's needs and problems, and I learned that it made me feel good and important inside. If I wasn't helping them out, then I wasn't showing them that I loved and cared about them, at least that was my thinking. If I wasn't focusing on them, then I was being self-centered and that was wrong of me to do. It took me a lot of soul-searching to realize what I was "thinking" about me. When I started writing down the things that I would tell myself in my head, I realized how distorted my thinking really was. I've never ever thought it was selfish for someone else to put themselves first, why did I think it was selfish when I even thought about doing that for me?!?

Bob (that is my husband's name, by the way), has been working on his passive-aggressive tendencies diligently for over a year now. And, I am so proud of him. One of the biggest milestones for us was the first time that he actually told the truth about one of the "zingers", from start to finish. His reasoning for zingering me didn't make me feel any better and it seemed totally irrational and illogical, but he was HONEST with me about why he did something that he did. He didn't say he was wrong, he even tried to reason it in his head, but he told me the truth. It was a start.

Since that time, we have talked on many occasions (in counseling and out) about different passive-aggressive things that occurred throughout the years. There are many times that he tries to minimize or justify (in his head) those zingers. He still lots of times feels uncomfortable talking about these things, and I see that. It goes against everything he has been taught to acknowledge that from time to time (hmmm) that he has been a SHIT! Believe me; I really do understand that now more than ever. It goes against everything I have been taught to acknowledge from time to time (hmm) that I have put myself last and chosen to be a martyr.

1. ADMITTAL. Nothing will change if you can't see or admit to it. Why would any passive-aggressive person want to change themselves when somewhere in the back of their head most things that go wrong in their life are beyond their control.meaning, it had nothing or very little to do with them. Sure.their life might be screwed up, but until they can admit that they are at least a part of the problem, there's no reason for them to change. And, I do believe that they get comfort from problems, when the focus is on them. Feeling sorry for themselves is the norm. It takes great courage to look at ourselves, whether we're passive-aggressive or not. It is my opinion that acknowledging the behavior is the most difficult step to overcoming it. Some days Bob fights it and some days he doesn't. I do believe this will happen for the rest of his life.

2. ACCEPTANCE. Accepting who we've chosen to be, whether we're passive-aggressive, obsessive-compulsive, overweight, controlling, an alcoholic, drug-addict, etc., is in my opinion, so very important, in being able to move to that next level. It's taken me a long time to accept who I am. I have many faults, but I do accept who I am. I've tried to be less open, but I can't. I am an open person by nature. Sometimes I would get mad at myself for being so communicative and emotional, because to a pa, knowledge is power, and it would sometimes be used against me. But, I accept that now, because that's ME. A passive-aggressive person has a very difficult time accepting who they are. They are so wrapped up in image and judgment, I often times feel that they don't really know who they are. Accepting how they feel, what they believe, what they want and need is very difficult for a pa person to do. It goes against everything they have been taught. Acceptance of who they are is very important to their being able to manage their behavior. Bob struggles with this daily.

3. TRUST. OOOHin a pa's mind, you might as well call this a four-letter word. Trust is something that is very, very hard for them to fathom. Go ahead and lock them in a cell and throw away the key! Trust is the ultimate torture. No one is to be trusted. PA's don't trust themselves, and for good reason! Everyone has a hidden agenda. Trusting someone is like giving away all of the power. And, in a sense, it is. There have been many, many times that I have trusted someone, only to have the trust betrayed, and I am not pa, but to the passive-aggressive person, it gives them power and control, to NOT trust someone, and that is the one thing that they are fighting so hard to keep. Somewhere in their hearts, I feel they've got to learn to trust. I struggled with trust too. My thinking was that I should automatically trust someone until they showed me distrust. I no longer feel that way, and I DON'T feel guilty for that. Trust is earned. Whether it be with someone else, or with ourselves. Once I learned to trust myself, I trusted. Period. Shouldn't that hold true for a pa person also?

4. SUBMISSION. This is the one area that Bob and I both struggle with the most. What's the big deal? Submission to a pa is like a death sentence. The only control they feel they have is to submit in words, but do what they choose to do. Submission to a pa is the same as being swallowed up. Bob has on many occasions told me that he has such fear of "losing himself" if he is vulnerable with me. He has a difficult time separating the two of us. It's like if he gives me something, then he loses something. Passive-aggressive's have a very hard time with balance. I must be honest, for me to submit makes me feel like I might lose control. So I can sort of understand where their thinking comes from. Well, I don't have control over anyone else anyway; it's just taken me 44 years to figure that out. As long as I'm in control over my decisions and taking good care of myself, there's really nothing else I can do.

5. HOPE and FAITH. I know this is a contradictory statement when it comes to living with a pa. However, take the pa out of the equation and just look at you. Hope and faith is what keeps us moving forward. We don't have to have hope and faith with the passive-aggressive person. We get to have hope and faith with OURSELVES. No matter what things are, no matter who I am, no matter what the circumstances, no matter what I've tried, I NEED to have hope and faith. Hope and faith allows me to focus on future, not the past! What if our live's were full of money, love, everything that we had asked for. Wouldn't we have hope and faith for something? Hope and faith is what makes life worth living!

It took me a long, long time to accept the fact that I cannot change him. God only knows, I CANNOT change him. And, I struggle with that every day. My husband has worked his ass off, and in my opinion, he still has miles to go. He might walk and walk forever, or he might wake up and take the next taxi, the choice is his and I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to predict the future.

If there's one thing that I've really learned, it is that a passive-aggressive person must find their own truth. We can talk to them about it, give them pamphlets on it, download articles off of the internet, suggest counseling, etc., but until they choose to look at themselves without their rose-filtered glasses on and see the hurt inside of them, they have no reason to change. It's comfortable, it's familiar and it's SAFE. It's also sneaky, manipulating and extremely damaging to relationships. PA's are known as the "living dead", so I'm not sure they ever fully understand the hurt and pain they cause others. Bob says he understands the hurt he has caused me, but I think he really understands it more in his head, and not as much in his heart. It must be so hard for him to force himself to feel his emotions, just as it's hard for me to shut my emotions off. He journals daily, and that helps a tremendous amount. I really think that he is just now learning who Bob is. You see, Bob and I aren't really that different in our feelings, when it comes down to it. I sometimes feel guilty, shameful, angry. I sometimes fear abandonment, judgment, rejection. Bob and I just process and handle it differently. He is prone to handle his fears, anger, etc. with passive-aggressive behavior. I'm prone to handle my fears, anger, etc. with rescuing, educating, pleading, begging, etc. Neither is healthy.

Life is full of choices. Some of us choose to go to that next level, and some of us don't. Bob and I are, in our own way, choosing to go to that next level. He's focusing on him, and I'm focusing on me. Some days he's apprehensive that I am focusing on me, but I don't have a problem with that, because I'm still going to focus on me anyway. Some days he fails and some days I fail. I see it as a part of growing.



		SUCCESS...........Lori M's Story

	Being married to a passive-aggressive man has been the most challenging thing I have ever faced. My father was an alcoholic, my mother has been married 5 times and divorced 4, I have 6 brothers and sisters, and we were raised in poverty. I have a child and therefore I am a mother, which is considered to be one of the most difficult tasks a woman will ever be challenged with, but nothing has taken such energy and determination as living with my passive-aggressive husband. Nothing has EVER taken a toll on me like living with my passive-aggressive husband. First, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am considered to be intelligent (based upon society's standards); I am college educated, extremely independent, very much an extrovert whose life is filled with many close friendships. I have one daughter who is 22 years old and the pride and joy of my life. We are extremely close and the raising of my daughter is the one thing that I am most proud of. She has a life of her own now, and we are great friends. We respect each other's views and privacy and have what we consider to be an authentic relationship. It is wonderful. I have been married two times. I was 21 when I married my first husband (who is also passive-aggressive, although I didn't know what that meant at the time). We were "married" for 13 years. I say "married" because we basically lived two separate lives. I worked days, he worked nights and weekends, and we saw each other about one evening every two weeks. For many years, I liked it that way. I married young and wasn't really looking for a close relationship. Once I matured, I wanted more out of a marriage. He liked things just the way they were, and I chose to change the rules. We rarely argued. We rarely kissed. We rarely did much of anything together. To make a 13-year story short, when I asked for a divorce, he was shocked, he told me he wouldn't "allow" me one, I divorced him, he resented me and tried his best to hurt me through our daughter. I bit my tongue on many occasions and allowed my daughter to see things for what they were. If I had it to do over again, I would have spent more time discussing reality with her and not protecting her from his passive-aggressive tactics, but I was a martyr at the time. I have been married the second time for 7 years, but together for several more. My current husband is 11 years older than me and we worked for the same company at one time. In the workplace, I saw him as the most secure, stable, level-headed, strong, honest and dependable person. He had been married before also, for 22 years. He has two daughters from his previous marriage, whom I love very much. We have no children together. The second time around was opposite in most respects. We were together all of the time, as we started a business together. I made myself very vulnerable, which I definitely did not do in my first marriage. We spent almost every waking (and sleeping) minute together. My current husband is what people on the outside looking in would consider the "perfect man". He is extremely laid back, very mannerly, opens car doors for women, helps out strangers, very dependable, reliable and easy-going. Friends rarely have to ask him for something they need. His is very in tune to their needs and is usually the first one there offering his assistance. I would definitely consider him more on the "passive" side of passive-aggressive. But, he is extremely passive-aggressive. I can't remember when I realized that something wasn't quite right. Probably from the very beginning. We had struggles with his family (who I consider all but 1 to be passive-aggressive, although I don't think they've ever been diagnosed with it). They were very disrespectful to him and in the beginning, I would try to "build him up" to them. He would defend their hurts and I felt like it must just be in my head. They would disrespect us as a family, but in a passive-aggressive way. (You know, invite us to something but then act put upon that we came, withhold information and say they told us something when they hadn't, make decisions for our family holidays without our input and then tell us we were overreacting when we were upset, etc). After years of this, with my husband acting like one person in front of them, and another in front of me, I slowly started bowing out of family functions. It wasn't just his family though, there were many other occurrences that told me to "protect myself". Then, the passive-aggressive behavior really began. I could write a book on the number of times I have been "zingered" by the behavior. Some of those zingers were so bad that I cannot now believe that I lived through them. No, it wasn't physical abuse. I think that if it would have been, I would have been gone in a heartbeat. No, there was slow, calculated, manipulating mental torture followed by bits of love, tenderness and hope, only to once again be followed by disappointments and heartaches, followed by promises and apologies, followed by omissions and lies, followed by gifts, followed by self-pity and silence, and on and on and on and on and on It was the biggest roller coaster ride of my life. There were so many highs and lows, and eventually less highs and more lows. Less respect and more empty apologies. At first, I thought it must be me. Was I not good enough? Was I not showing him enough love? Maybe if I did this, or didn't do that, this behavior would stop. I had at the time never even heard the words passive and aggressive used together. I was so passionate about life and he was too from time to time. What was going on here? We went to counselor after counselor, with him making many promises in counseling, only to walk out of there and not do what he had said he would do. Of course, I ALWAYS did what I told the counselor I would do, I was the martyr. I even thought that if I showed him over and over again that my word was my word, maybe he would start trusting me and would do the same. After a period of time, most of my daily energy was spent towards trying to "fix" us. It was almost an obsession. I read books, talked to counselors, searched the internet, etc. Nothing seemed to be working and I felt hopeless. Very slowly, I began to lose myself, as I call it, but at the time, it was happening so slowly that I didn't recognize it. The passion that I had for life started to fade. Even when I was doing something that I loved, I felt empty inside. I began distancing myself from family and friends, even to the point of dreading making a phone call to one of them. I felt trapped. I felt scared to death (which is NOT my nature). I thought at one time that he was psychotic, but I also felt I was becoming paranoid. My reality had been ripped out from under my feet so many times that I didn't know WHAT was real. I began to second-guess myself on even the simplest things. I found myself being very afraid of him. Not of physical abuse, but I had been hurt so many times by him by using our children, his family, friends, by distorting reality, etc. Our relationship had no stability or security or reality. One day would be good (maybe even one week), only to be sabotaged in some way shape or form. I found that the more I asked him for what I needed from him (honesty, communication, stability), the more he would find a way not to give it to me. He would leave it dangling and hovering over me, but would never quite let me grab a hold of it. It is a mental torture of the worst kind. It's like kicking a puppy when their down. Then, crouching down and gently holding them and comforting them, only to kick them again. Then, when the puppy runs and hides or finds another means of feeling safe and secure, there the pa is again, to build that trust back up. And, the cycle continues. I would become almost hysterical with him. I would cry, yell, belittle, beg, ignore, baby, apologize, sleep in another bedroom, analyze, read, threaten, ANYTHING that I thought might make him "see". Many years into the relationship, I began to take a different turn with myself. I no longer knew how I felt about most anything. I no longer knew what I needed or wanted from him or anyone else. I no longer trusted my perceptions or judgment. I was afraid to drive. I thought I might space out and hit something or someone. I felt extremely ugly. I started drinking wine at night so I could sleep. I dreaded each morning, having to get up and face another day. The only thing I felt for sure was that I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I sometimes fantasized that he WOULD hit me so at least I would know why I was feeling so much pain. I had dreams of him dying so the hurt would stop. But, I still loved him. That confused me more than anything else. How could I love someone and care so much for someone that created confusion, hurt, and distance? How could I love someone that repeatedly withheld the most important things to me, saying that he would give it to me, but choosing not to give it to me, knowing how much it was ripping my heart out? I used to be an extremely independent, happy, secure, full of life, go with the flow kind of girl. Where'd she go? What was love, anyway? Who really was the screwed up one? I went for my annual female exam and BEGGED my doctor for an anti-depressant. She asked me some questions and I answered them, but vaguely. I was always so afraid to let anyone know what was really going on in my life. I was so ashamed. So very ashamed. My doctor would not give me anti-depressants that day. She asked me to do some soul-searching in reference to my life (in a very nice way) and asked me to come back in 2 months, if I still felt the same. That was the best $50.00 I ever spent on a doctor's visit. It was the start of me getting my life back. I could go on about the occurrences of my relationship, but I'd rather share my thoughts, thinking and action in becoming myself again and dealing with the passive-aggressive behavior. It takes two people to play the passive-aggressive game, so if you bow out, they either have to find someone else to participate, or it's over. In my case, one of the reasons that the roller coaster ride went on for so many years, was that I was a willing participant (without realizing it). Only (and if you don't listen to anything else I have written, PLEASE listen to this) ONLY until I started focusing on myself, and not on him or his pa ways, did things really take a turn for the better with my life. I do believe that passive-aggressive people find mates that are independent but are also very caring, giving, rescuing, outspoken, secure with ourselves, etc. We generally have very big hearts, and the pa person zooms in on that right away. In my case, my pah knew exactly what buttons to push to get me to play the passive-aggressive game. If I didn't play the game, then I felt like I was showing him that I didn't care about him or us, and I loved him and wanted my marriage to work. And, it's not that I did NOT want to be the "bad guy", but I DID want to be the "good guy", because that's what I had been taught as a little girl. I was taught to take care of everyone else's needs and problems, and I learned that it made me feel good and important inside. If I wasn't helping them out, then I wasn't showing them that I loved and cared about them, at least that was my thinking. If I wasn't focusing on them, then I was being self-centered and that was wrong of me to do. It took me a lot of soul-searching to realize what I was "thinking" about me. When I started writing down the things that I would tell myself in my head, I realized how distorted my thinking really was. I've never ever thought it was selfish for someone else to put themselves first, why did I think it was selfish when I even thought about doing that for me?!? Bob (that is my husband's name, by the way), has been working on his passive-aggressive tendencies diligently for over a year now. And, I am so proud of him. One of the biggest milestones for us was the first time that he actually told the truth about one of the "zingers", from start to finish. His reasoning for zingering me didn't make me feel any better and it seemed totally irrational and illogical, but he was HONEST with me about why he did something that he did. He didn't say he was wrong, he even tried to reason it in his head, but he told me the truth. It was a start. Since that time, we have talked on many occasions (in counseling and out) about different passive-aggressive things that occurred throughout the years. There are many times that he tries to minimize or justify (in his head) those zingers. He still lots of times feels uncomfortable talking about these things, and I see that. It goes against everything he has been taught to acknowledge that from time to time (hmmm) that he has been a SHIT! Believe me; I really do understand that now more than ever. It goes against everything I have been taught to acknowledge from time to time (hmm) that I have put myself last and chosen to be a martyr. In all fairness, Bob has come a LONG way in the last year. I would like to share some of the things that I saw occurring for progression of the behavior to take place: 1. ADMITTAL. Nothing will change if you can't see or admit to it. Why would any passive-aggressive person want to change themselves when somewhere in the back of their head most things that go wrong in their life are beyond their control.meaning, it had nothing or very little to do with them. Sure.their life might be screwed up, but until they can admit that they are at least a part of the problem, there's no reason for them to change. And, I do believe that they get comfort from problems, when the focus is on them. Feeling sorry for themselves is the norm. It takes great courage to look at ourselves, whether we're passive-aggressive or not. It is my opinion that acknowledging the behavior is the most difficult step to overcoming it. Some days Bob fights it and some days he doesn't. I do believe this will happen for the rest of his life. As for me, admitting that nothing will change if I don't see or admit it has been a huge milestone for me. I was spinning circles for years and years. It was time for ME to admit that things were what they were partially because of the choices that I had made. Sad, but true. 2. ACCEPTANCE. Accepting who we've chosen to be, whether we're passive-aggressive, obsessive-compulsive, overweight, controlling, an alcoholic, drug-addict, etc., is in my opinion, so very important, in being able to move to that next level. It's taken me a long time to accept who I am. I have many faults, but I do accept who I am. I've tried to be less open, but I can't. I am an open person by nature. Sometimes I would get mad at myself for being so communicative and emotional, because to a pa, knowledge is power, and it would sometimes be used against me. But, I accept that now, because that's ME. A passive-aggressive person has a very difficult time accepting who they are. They are so wrapped up in image and judgment, I often times feel that they don't really know who they are. Accepting how they feel, what they believe, what they want and need is very difficult for a pa person to do. It goes against everything they have been taught. Acceptance of who they are is very important to their being able to manage their behavior. Bob struggles with this daily. 3. TRUST. OOOHin a pa's mind, you might as well call this a four-letter word. Trust is something that is very, very hard for them to fathom. Go ahead and lock them in a cell and throw away the key! Trust is the ultimate torture. No one is to be trusted. PA's don't trust themselves, and for good reason! Everyone has a hidden agenda. Trusting someone is like giving away all of the power. And, in a sense, it is. There have been many, many times that I have trusted someone, only to have the trust betrayed, and I am not pa, but to the passive-aggressive person, it gives them power and control, to NOT trust someone, and that is the one thing that they are fighting so hard to keep. Somewhere in their hearts, I feel they've got to learn to trust. I struggled with trust too. My thinking was that I should automatically trust someone until they showed me distrust. I no longer feel that way, and I DON'T feel guilty for that. Trust is earned. Whether it be with someone else, or with ourselves. Once I learned to trust myself, I trusted. Period. Shouldn't that hold true for a pa person also? 4. SUBMISSION. This is the one area that Bob and I both struggle with the most. What's the big deal? Submission to a pa is like a death sentence. The only control they feel they have is to submit in words, but do what they choose to do. Submission to a pa is the same as being swallowed up. Bob has on many occasions told me that he has such fear of "losing himself" if he is vulnerable with me. He has a difficult time separating the two of us. It's like if he gives me something, then he loses something. Passive-aggressive's have a very hard time with balance. I must be honest, for me to submit makes me feel like I might lose control. So I can sort of understand where their thinking comes from. Well, I don't have control over anyone else anyway; it's just taken me 44 years to figure that out. As long as I'm in control over my decisions and taking good care of myself, there's really nothing else I can do. 5. HOPE and FAITH. I know this is a contradictory statement when it comes to living with a pa. However, take the pa out of the equation and just look at you. Hope and faith is what keeps us moving forward. We don't have to have hope and faith with the passive-aggressive person. We get to have hope and faith with OURSELVES. No matter what things are, no matter who I am, no matter what the circumstances, no matter what I've tried, I NEED to have hope and faith. Hope and faith allows me to focus on future, not the past! What if our live's were full of money, love, everything that we had asked for. Wouldn't we have hope and faith for something? Hope and faith is what makes life worth living! It took me a long, long time to accept the fact that I cannot change him. God only knows, I CANNOT change him. And, I struggle with that every day. My husband has worked his ass off, and in my opinion, he still has miles to go. He might walk and walk forever, or he might wake up and take the next taxi, the choice is his and I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to predict the future. One thing I DO know is that I have awakened. And here is how: 1. ME. It's all about ME ME ME. No, that doesn't mean that I neglect my children, work or financial obligations. I still go to church on Sunday (I love it by the way), my friends still call me with their problems, my daughter is still at the top of my list, etc. etc. 2. I'm taking better care of my health now. God knows, I was a sorry woman when it came to that. (OK..I'm 44, but still 130 lbs.not TOO bad). Other's said I was "hot.but I never felt that way. Now, I treat myself as if I'm "hot"! HA HA! 3. I do what I want to do, no matter what anyone else thinks! I'm on the computer right now writing this, aren't I? I even went out one night (ALONE) and sang with a band all evening (and I can't even sing). My friends couldn't BELIEVE I would do such a thing, as they consider that to be totally out of character for me. Well, it isn't anymore! 4. I still hold up my end of the bargain. THAT'S ME! If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. And, you know what? I'm less likely to say it now. At least, I think about it twice. I'm darned sure that I WANT to do it now, before I commit to it. If I'm going to do it now, it's going to be because I really, REALLY want to, not because I feel obligated. 5. I'm much more cautious about who I allow into my heart. I have found that passive-aggressive's are drawn to people with my personality type. Some of my friendships are dwindling, because I no longer play the rescuer. That's ok, I've met a lot of new friends now and our friendships are more two-sided! 6. I like me. I like who I choose to be. I'm not a martyr anymore (nope.that got old). I'm pretty, I'm a bitch, I'm loving, I'm caring, I'm a mommy, I'm a woman, I'm selfish, I'm caring, I'm open, I'm a friend, I'm compassionate, I'm moody, I'm loving, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm communicative, I'm forward, I'm shy, but most of all..I'M ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If there's one thing that I've really learned, it is that a passive-aggressive person must find their own truth. We can talk to them about it, give them pamphlets on it, download articles off of the internet, suggest counseling, etc., but until they choose to look at themselves without their rose-filtered glasses on and see the hurt inside of them, they have no reason to change. It's comfortable, it's familiar and it's SAFE. It's also sneaky, manipulating and extremely damaging to relationships. PA's are known as the "living dead", so I'm not sure they ever fully understand the hurt and pain they cause others. Bob says he understands the hurt he has caused me, but I think he really understands it more in his head, and not as much in his heart. It must be so hard for him to force himself to feel his emotions, just as it's hard for me to shut my emotions off. He journals daily, and that helps a tremendous amount. I really think that he is just now learning who Bob is. You see, Bob and I aren't really that different in our feelings, when it comes down to it. I sometimes feel guilty, shameful, angry. I sometimes fear abandonment, judgment, rejection. Bob and I just process and handle it differently. He is prone to handle his fears, anger, etc. with passive-aggressive behavior. I'm prone to handle my fears, anger, etc. with rescuing, educating, pleading, begging, etc. Neither is healthy. In my opinion, passive-aggressive behavior is not something that can be cured, but managed. I love my husband enough that I can deal with him managing his pa behavior. I love myself enough to not accept denial of the behavior. Life is full of choices. Some of us choose to go to that next level, and some of us don't. Bob and I are, in our own way, choosing to go to that next level. He's focusing on him, and I'm focusing on me. Some days he's apprehensive that I am focusing on me, but I don't have a problem with that, because I'm still going to focus on me anyway. Some days he fails and some days I fail. I see it as a part of growing. It's really strange, but I've gotten to know more about my husband in the last year than I've ever known about him. He never allowed me to see the real Bob. The more I see the real Bob, the more I love him. I am so thankful that my passive-aggressive husband came into my life. It has challenged me in ways that I never could have imagined, and I have come out a stronger, much more authentic and committed to myself woman. I don't believe I would have ever taken a look at myself and my thinking, had I not hit rock bottom in my marriage. I pray every day that God will give Bob the strength and courage to be himself. Some days are good and some days are not so good. It is what it is, and I accept that. The most important thing to me right now is that I get to be me, and I don't need him or anyone else to accomplish that. I'm so glad I finally figured that out, because it has set me free!

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