Passive-Aggressive Helping Hand
If anyone comes across an article, or anything they think might help another learn and grow... please let me know!
In the February issue of "O" Magazine Oprah interviewed Dr. Phil McGraw and his wife, Robin... It was an excellent article about relationships and I felt that certain excerpts were worth repeating!!!
Robin told Oprah that she grew up in a house where women were honored, loved and respected..... So in her relationship with her husband, Phil, she said that she would "expect no less."
Oprah and Dr. Phil were discussing marriage, divorce and disrespecting one another, and Dr. Phil had this to say:
"It is not about how much money we're spending or even the sex - it is about one person trying to hurt the other. And when you send that message to people, they get it. They think, 'The person I share my home with, the person I take down my guard with - he or she is capable of wanting to hurt me. That is hard to get over.'"
Dr. Phil defines a healthly relationship as: "A relationship in which two healthy people come together because they complement each other. They're on equal footing, respecting themselves and each other. What most people don't get is that you can't give anway what you don't have. If you don't regard yourself with respect and love, you can't give those things to someone else. When I see people who can't love and care and feel and share in a relationship, I can guarantee you that they are disconnected from themselves."
He gives an example of emotional need: "The need for acceptance is number one. We want to feel valued, desired, and welcomed. We want to feel people seek us out not because we had to earn their attention, but just because of who we are."
About keeping your own identity, losing yourself, and toxic relationships: "One of the things you should ask yourself in any partnership is, 'What is it costing me?' If you have to give up what you think, feel, want, need and dream to be with a person, the relationship is toxic. On the other hand, if it is costing you some effort, energy, and sacrifice, but the paybacks are exponentially greater than the drawbacks, then it may be a healthy relationship for you."
The following excerpt is from the book "The Highly Sensitive Person In Love by Elaine N. Aron. (Thank you for the contribution, GLORIA!!)
"Again, discerning what you are dealing with is not easy. Some partners can be very defensive or resistant to change for less problematic reasons or perhaps simply because they are not very psychologically minded, or they fear their partners "analyzing" them. This can be a justifiable fear, especially when the "analyzer" is you, a highly sensitive person, and your partner is not. He or she knows from experience how uncanny you can be about seeing into what seemed private. But, your partner should have enough ego strength to listen and when you declare loud and clear that the relationship is not working for you and that you need to do something together to change it.... if the chance is refused and the need denied, well, I would consider the alternatives. "
The following comes from a section --WHEN TO QUIT: "You are so absorbed in trying to solve relationship problems that you do not realize you are dealing with a deeply distrubed person whom you cannot possibly change and whom you really do not want to continue living with. The world is full of extremely troubled people with excellent defenses and ways to cover up their disturbances initially. There are enough for all of us to fall for at least one, once (or over and over, for those in the grip of a victim comples)... We may pick up on their powerful needs and want to help without being able to foresee all the consequences of being in a close relationship with them. In these cases, the solution is not learning skills so you can do better or withdrawing a projection and being more conscious. Waking up to the other's flaws is not due to you projecting your own shadow. The relationship is just a mistake. You need to become astute enough psychologically to distinguish problems you can work on alone and as a couple from those you can't work on without professional help for one or both of you, and to distinguish those, in turn from problems that cannot be solved at all at this time, with this person..... People like this require individual professional help. They are also very bad bets as partners, especially if they have done nothing to begin healing. And, if such a wounded person does go to therapy, it could be a long haul before he or she gets better, and this person may outgrow the need for you before then. If he or she refuses to seek help, at least couples therapy, then you truly do not want to stay. This is tough talk, but, it is not news to you anyway."
1. Interview with Phil & Robin McGraw
2. Excerpt from "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love"