Jean on the Job How do you give? Passive-aggressive withholders do their own thing By Jean Hollands These are the sentences I've heard over the past 20 years and lately in my office, and in my personal practice, and in my own personal life. They stink. They hurt. They show resentment. They are made by narcissistic individuals who only think from their own point of view about giving. Since we are approaching the season of gratitude and giving, I think its only fair to remind you and your withholding friends, mates or colleagues what it feels like to be on the other side of the withholder. I'm also mad. You can tell. Ann Landers says that resentment is like a tenant whom you allow to stay in your head without charging rent! So, to get my personal resentment out, I'll list a few all time favorites, from business and pleasure. I knew he really wanted it so I wouldn't give it to him. I made him wait for it, just as long as I possibly could without getting into too much trouble. I would have phoned you, but you were expecting it, so it would not have been a surprise. So I didn't. Do you know what that feels like to the recipient? Like: "I wanted to surprise you because that is fun and feels good for me. I don't care if you were disappointed that I didn't call. I only want to call when I want to." My manager doesn't deserve this good news. I will let him find out for himself. I'm really hurt about this, but she will never know that. I'm disappointed but I am going to act like I don't even care. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. Just because she asked for it does not mean I have to give it. Nobody tells me what presents to buy for him or her. When somebody hints, I go in the other direction. I don't give birthday or holiday gifts. I only give gifts when I feel like it. That is not too often. When people expect from me, I pull away. I don't like the feeling of obligation to anyone. Year-end holidays are for needy people wanting gratification. Bah, humbug. Nobody tells me what they want from me. If they do, I ignore it or forget it. I don't give them the satisfaction of saying I won't or can't do it. I just don't do it. If I have to apologize to someone, I make it as slow, protracted or as quick as possible. I don't think I need to apologize if they were at fault too. I usually don't get what I want out of life. Of course, I don't usually tell people what I want or need. They should know what I need. If I have to tell them, it's not as good. Of course, they usually never figure it out. So I don't get what I want. If you say four or five of the above statements, take a look at your intentions. Most of the remarks come from a self-centered person who really only thinks of his comfort level, not of another's. You are usually not a happy camper anyway, always wondering if you are going to get stuck with the emotional bill. Giving comes in four forms. Use all of them. If you are only giving in form number one, you are a self-concerned human being who does not know the true meaning of a gift. Sometimes the gift needs to be a sacrifice on your part. When you take your mate to a science fiction movie or a love story, or whether you buy a utilitarian gift or a romantic gift, be aware of your motives. If you give your boss or your colleague a report in your form versus his form, or you entertain customers in your form versus his form, at least acknowledge which kind of a gesture this is. "Charlie, I know you prefer this through e-mail, but I was walking by, so I want to do this in my form-verbally-today" When you do give something in your own withholding, passive aggressive style, at least finish with an "I owe you one" at the end if you really feel you indulged yourself instead of sacrificing yourself. Frank Sinatra got to do it his way. With many wives and many constellations of characters in his life his "I'll have things My Way" was an attribute we can't all share. Cooperation, concessions and compromise produces the final C, collaboration, possible on the job and at home. Narcissists don't know that it works better to make products, make love, make peace, make wins, when both sides get some of their needs met some of the time. The Matrix for Giving and Receiving: I give to you in my form because I like to give that way. I give to you in your form because I know you like to receive that way. I receive from you things you like to give, do, or say to me because I know you like to give that way. I receive from you things you know I like to get, hear or experience because you want to please me. You know what I like and you are willing to give it sometimes. I know this is your form of giving. Please use all four forms at work and at home. This means you ask your boss, your partner, your colleague, exactly what his or her form is. And then give it! Happy Holidays! Jean A. Hollands, CEO, Growth & Leadership Center, author, "Silicon Syndrome: How to Survive a High-Tech Relationship," "Optimistic Organizations" and "Red Ink Behavior: Measure the High Cost of Problem Employees," was voted Business Woman of the Year in 1986 and 1996. Write to GLC, 1451 Grant Road, Mountain View, 94040. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Previous story -- Index -- Next Story Search all issues -- Classifieds -- Stock Index -- Los Altos Town Crier -- Los Altos Online To skip to next story in section, click on "Next Story". Can return via "Previous Story". If "Next" or "Previous" redisplays same story, then you are seeing either the first or last in the section. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Comments? Questions? Suggestions? 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